


Everything Is A Choice

by NonReviewingReadersWillBeShot



Series: A Watcher's Legacy [3]
Category: Pillars of Eternity
Genre: Anxiety, Denial of Feelings, F/M, Irrational Fears, Making Up, Secret Crush, mentioned slavery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-06-03 21:23:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19472476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NonReviewingReadersWillBeShot/pseuds/NonReviewingReadersWillBeShot
Summary: The Watcher has made a decision that she is now being crushed under the weight of, despite her necessity to enter Durgan's Battery. Fear grips her hearts as she sits and wonders if she has now severed a treasured bond with a wood elf she refuses to admit feelings for.





	Everything Is A Choice

**Author's Note:**

> (STILL HAVEN'T FINISHED DEADFIRE SO REFRAIN FROM SPOILERS POR FAVOR!)
> 
> I've been editing this story for a very long time now, so if there are still mistakes, you have my apologies(sorry, not sorry).  
> The image I used here does belong to me(Heavily Edited by me however), but it is my in-game portrait and how I envision Loralai to look right down to her scarred brow and mismatched eye color.
> 
> This was something I thoroughly enjoyed playing around with given the ideals and opinions of the parties involved, especially since Aloth's very vocal about disagreeing with animancy, and the watcher get's the option to awaken a soul.
> 
> Please enjoy! Leave a comment and let me know what you think.

Everything is a choice.

Every action, every word uttered.

She sat on the edge of her fur pelt covered bed, in The Gréf's Rest and questioned the weight of the one she had made. There were seldom ever choices in her life that she was allowed to make, and she realized that they only brought sleepless nights and regret. She rubbed the furless trail that circled her wrist, until the calloused skin had become red from the constant friction. She didn’t think she would ever find herself missing the lack of autonomy from her past but she felt as if she had destroyed something precious.

A trust.

A bond.

A friendship.

Who benefitted from her decision?

The town?

Looters and opportunists?

All she knew for sure was that after what she had done; potentially condemning an innocent to what could have been a life of torment and madness for the sake of opening the gates of Durgan’s Battery; it benefitted her least, and instead sought to rob her of her peace of mind. She had made the choice to suppress Zenove so that Taena would once again resurface and return to her normal life in the village but she had no way of knowing if the awakening would take root again.

The fate she faced; the end that Maerwald met, this was now what Taena _could_ be facing down the track, and it would be all her fault.

She was exhausted and cold; the chill of the room and the fire that should have been hissing and crackling with life doing nothing to stave off the eight hour trek she had made descending the mountain from Durgan’s Battery and Galvino’s laboratory. Loralai convulsed instinctively due to the cold of her damp clothes caused by the now partially melted snow, as much as her mounting despair and she wrapped her arms around herself in turn.

She couldn’t drive the memory away. His fear, horror and disbelief of what she had done, so vivid in her mind.

_“What have you done to her, Loralai?!”_

His voice daring to deny what his senses told him to be the undeniable truth.

His demand was accusing and justifiably so, for what had she done? Why did she do it? Why was she so foolish? She could ask herself the same question until the wee hours of the morning but she would be no closer to an answer. She knew that the Leaden key were looking for something inside the battery and that if it held their interest it was imperative that she got to it first, but at what cost.

They say that the end justifies the means, but if that end is a peaceful and safe future for everyone, how could she justify destroying that future for even one person. Her life had been ruined now by two people, so she knew firsthand what it was like to have someone else pull the strings, and that knowledge alone was what made this so hard to bear.

After they had learned the cantec from Taena, Loralai had made the call to retire to The Gréf's Rest since they had only just returned to Stalwart and everyone was cold, hungry, and tired, not necessarily in that order. Feeling as abysmal as she did, she handed Haeferic enough coin for everyone’s food and lodging, as long as what they were served wasn’t fish. Afterwards she headed straight up to her room without pausing for anyone to contest the matter. She knew she had overpaid the innkeeper since The Devil wasn’t able to eat food and looking over at her own, now cold, untouched, venison stew, she didn’t really care.

Amidst all her self-pity and chastisement, the overwhelming need to go and explain herself to Aloth was only growing stronger and persistently needled her like a noxious thorn in her side. After all their camaraderie for abolishing the ability to meddle with another’s soul, she had carelessly done so herself when the situation called for it and his reaction alone was in no stretch of the imagination ideal.

She looked out the window nervously and considered how much time had passed since they had taken refuge at the inn, and desperately questioned if it was too late to visit Aloth before he retired. She didn’t know which room he was staying in exactly, but judging by the voices she heard, Edér and Hiravias were staying in the rooms on her right and Aloth had taken the room closest the stairs. She didn’t know where The Devil was or Maneha for that matter; although she would be able to tell the minute she heard the clinking of jewelry and the screeching of metallic joints.

Loralai slid off the bed and quietly exited her room, her footsteps were unconsciously muted as if she was sneaking into a building to steal the owner’s belongings rather than acting like someone who had paid for their right to stay within its walls. She walked softly past the room that was directly to her left even though it didn’t sound like anyone was occupying it and stopped when she stood in front of what she was sure was the door to the room she wanted.

She stood there for what seemed like an eternity. Her arm raised and ready to notify the denizen of her desire to enter but a fierce hesitation kept her skin mere inches from the wooden surface. Every time she dared to announce herself, a vision of a failed reconciliation had her retracting in fear. Loralai wasn’t accustomed to being on the receiving end of Aloth’s fury reserved for animancers but she was sure she was going to discover what it was like tonight.

She knew that if she stayed standing outside any longer, she risked being discovered by one of her other companions, or illness due to the drop in temperature from not being close to any heat source, so she needed to face down the dragon, head on.

She psyched herself up silently, as much as she was able, before she finally made her intent known.

A weary but firm voice was then heard from within, “I told you already, I don’t want any of the food you brought me last time.”

Loralai didn’t answer his misinterpretation of the interruption. Her heart was suddenly beating too fast to string together a coherent response.

She heard a sigh as a book closed irritably and was set aside before a determined pair of footfalls drew closer to where she stood, unable to move.

The door swung open abruptly, “I said, I—”

The frustration in his voice disappeared almost as soon as it had appeared, and any further words were caught in his throat.

The image of Loralai standing in his doorway with her arms still tightly wrapped around her quaking form, not yet looking up at him; was enough to shock him into silence. His otherwise fearless leader for the past nine and a half months, was probably the most vulnerable he had seen her while she was awake rather than while she was fighting madness in her sleep and struggling to wake.

She lifted her head finally and looked up at him almost pleadingly with her ears pointed downward behind her head, which seemed to bring him back to his senses.

“Loralai, what are you doing here?” He asked,

Silence followed his question before she lowered her head again and spoke softly but decisively, “I needed to talk to you.” Her voice was partially distorted by her shivering,

Realizing that he was leaving her on the doorstep while it was cold outside of the room; the fire below not adding that much to the warmth upstairs, he invited her in.

“You should have gotten changed first; it’s dangerous to be walking around in such cold clothes in this weather. You might catch a cold, and we can’t risk getting sick at a time like this.”

He ushered her to the chair he had been sitting in previously by the fire, before grabbing the bear pelt cover off the bed and walking back over to her to offer her as much warmth as he could.

“I’ve been through worse.” Her voice was objectively nonchalant,

He flinched at her words and a hesitant beat passed.

He knew from what she had already shared that this wasn’t an exaggeration. He swiftly cleared his throat to collect himself however and wrapped the covers around her shivering form. He pulled up another chair that was in the room so that he could sit next to her and hear whatever was so important that she hadn’t had ample time to take care of her own needs before coming to his room.

Loralai pulled the fur tighter around her neck savoring the newfound temperature change while Aloth fidgeted nervously, waiting for the big reveal.

Several tense moments passed and neither dared to speak as she tried to find the best way to ask him if all was well between them or if she had destroyed their amity.

Now that she was committed to her intended path, she found it difficult to proceed without a heavy weight of fear crushing her chest, but when she finally chose to speak; her words pierced the thick veil of silence like a knife.

“Are you angry with me?”

She didn’t look at him as she asked, choosing instead to stare into the dancing flames of the fireplace.

Having seemingly forgotten what she was referring to caused him to sputter nonsensically for several seconds, before he finally realized what she was asking and he pursed his lips together into a thin line.

He took a breath before answering, “You are referring to your dealing with Taena aren’t you?”

The silence he received was all the answer he needed.

“Are you expecting me to agree with the decision you made to awaken her soul?” His voice found strength in his conviction,

Loralai may well be his leader but that didn’t mean he was to blindly accept everything she did without question, and she taught him this herself.

“No, I’m not.” She finally responded,

Aloth wasn’t exactly expecting the answer she gave.

“I loathe the idea that I could have played a part in condemning an innocent to a fate worse than death. To a fate steeped in madness and misery, all for the sake of reaching Durgan’s Battery before the Leaden Key. So how could I ask someone to agree with a decision that I myself never wanted to make?”

He clearly didn’t know what to make of her response and he couldn’t find the words to proceed. He usually waited for a justification to ones actions, a ‘perfectly rational’ excuse as to why something abhorrent had to be done, why abusing the powers of soul manipulation was an easy choice over an alternative. He realized he had wrongly placed her in the same basket with animancers and their atrocities, expecting instead _their_ excuses for the necessity of death and torture.

He had forgotten for but a moment that she was different and that they worked toward the same goal. That she by all accounts single-handedly stopped animancy in the Dyrwood. This however didn’t change his mind about what she had done, although seeing her condemn her own actions was a welcome albeit somber sight.

“There had to have been another way to find the cantec. What Galvino said couldn’t have been the only solution.” He insisted,

“You might be right, but how many choices did I have? How long would it have taken to find another way to open the gate? Would the Leaden Key have found another way before I did?”

“In our pursuit to stop them Loralai, we can’t allow ourselves to become them.” He let out a sigh, “Take it from someone who was a former member after learning about what they’re capable of.”

What he said hit her harder than she would like. The one thing about her pursuit of survival and the ridding of her untimely demise that scared her, was that she could potentially end up doing something that would equate her to the Leaden Key themselves. She would be lying if she said she hadn’t given the thought of _sacrificing the one for the many_ as a viable excuse for her actions, but she could never admit that to another living soul, least of all him.

She hated that she was trying to justify her casually dished out death sentence but she truly didn’t see any other way.

Her voice was undeniably gloomy, “You’re right, when it came down to it; I chose to potentially sacrifice her life so that I could get into the Battery. I made a decision using powers no single person should have access to.”

Aloth had started to feel as if his firm condemnation of her actions wasn’t such a wise idea, since she seemed to have taken it worse than he thought she would. Indeed he wanted to make it abundantly clear that she shouldn’t have rushed into any life changing decisions, but he also didn’t want her to feel as miserable as she did now since she was dealing with a great deal already thanks to her own looming denouement.

He was about to attempt to lighten her mood, but she continued before he could get a word out.

“What’s worse is that I awakened her fully expecting my actions to be permanent. I had no idea I could sever her awakened soul the moment I had what I needed.”

No sooner had the words been uttered, did she regret them.

She noticed Aloth’s renewed interest, but dared to hope that he wouldn’t ask too many questions about it. It made her choice seem worse than she intended, as if she admitted that she freely went into this writing off Taena’s awakening as a necessary measure, despite making her regret known just seconds ago. Loralai had her suspicions that the only reason she was able to suppress Zenove’s awakening was because it was so soon after having been brought forth. That it hadn’t truly had time to take root and Taena’s soul was strong enough to maintain its presence.

“What do you mean before you knew you could sever her awakening?” There was undeniable frustration in his voice,

She bit her lip in silent contemplation.

“I’ve never awakened another soul before. I didn’t know what would happen, and since we’ve both been told that awakenings cannot be undone…I had no way of knowing that I could reverse hers.” At this point she didn’t truly know what to say to him,

Loralai looked over to see him staring back at her; disappointment etching his features. With how decisively she acted, she assumed Aloth thought she knew what she was doing the whole time.

“Awakenings can’t be undone; you and I both know this. I thought you left Taena awakened but suppressed Zenove like how I handled Iselmyr…how did you do it? Or were the Delemgan actually wrong, and awakenings can be reversed?” He cocked his head on a slight angle as he asked, genuinely curious how she was able to achieve the seemingly impossible,

She froze for a moment, unsure of what she had set in motion.

She _lied_.

“Taena was beginning to resurface after Zenove had recited the cantec, vying for control again and…” She trailed off painfully, unsure if continuing was a wise idea, but she’d come too far to go back now,

“For what seemed like a second, I could feel the two souls, and I severed Zenove’s hold, letting Taena take over full control. From what I saw, she didn’t even know that she had been previously awakened, thinking it was a strange dream.”

Lying to Aloth about Taena’s awakening was not something she saw herself doing when she had planned to speak with him, nevertheless now the damage was done. All she could do at this point was continue in her deception and hope nothing disastrous came out of it, praying the truth was never discovered. Her secret would be safe and sound provided Taena never entered the Battery to recall those past memories. All Taena had to do was live a quiet life in the village to wait for retirement and all would be right with the world.

Loralai noticed the gears turning in Aloth’s head as he pondered over what she had said, causing her to fall further into regret. The only way she could see this proceeding, was if she continued emphasizing Taena’s _reversed_ awakening. Since Iselmyr was _suppressed_ and essentially gone forever, she didn’t want Aloth to make the comparison and catch her out in the lie.

“I think the reason I was able to reverse it might be because it was mere moments after I had awakened her.” She began, regaining his attention once more, “That, and I was the one who brought Zenove forth, so it stands to reason that I would have some control over her.”

“You’re saying you wouldn’t have been able to if you didn’t immediately reverse the process after you had the cantec?” He asked, an inquisitive brow aimed at her,

She nodded.

“Zenove didn’t have enough time to take root after she was brought forth.” Loralai drew in a deep breath and exhaled,

If he wasn’t yet convinced, the only other way she could think to distract him from the truth would be to shamefully needle at his once life’s long goal.

“I know hearing about a completely reversed awakening can’t be easy for you; especially since you searched for years to find a way to do the exact same thing. At least with Iselmyr silenced at last and having no incidents with her arising since that day, nigh even a peep, I’m sure things can only get easier.”

She smiled as sweetly at him as her last dregs of energy, and new found indignity would allow.

He was silent for a while, the look of disappointment in his own efforts clearly on display.

“You’re right.” He finally spoke, “You’ve done a great deal for me, in helping me finally reach a conclusion with Iselmyr. Coming to terms with my irresolution being to blame and finally evicting her from my thoughts has lifted a burden from my shoulders that I’ve carried for far too long.”

She felt like a monster for bringing that up. The irrational fear that she allowed to control her in that moment was abhorrent at best.

“Taena won’t have to go through anything similar to those we saw in the Brackenbury Sanitarium then?” He asked for clarification,

“No. She’s as safe as she was before we asked her for the cantec and free from any effects an awakening could have had on her.”

The lie continued further, but in truth she herself didn’t even know if Zenove would ever resurface at some point.

She saw a very faint bittersweet smile grace his lips, “Then at least someone will be spared that fate.”

A comfortable yet uneasy silence fell on the pair.

As if time itself had stopped, she watched him. Watched the barely detectable emotions glide over his features as he dealt with the lie she had spun. She may well have saved herself an estrangement with someone she cared about, but she had also caused him to suffer needlessly and it pained her all the same.

Loralai snuggled into the fur covers momentarily before she let out a hearty yawn that had her ears pressing against the sides of her head before resting upright again and rustling briefly. Her exhaustion and worry had drained all but the last of the energy she had left, and it was showing clearly. He watched her and smiled weakly at her animalistic and childlike display, his own exhaustion now showing.

“We should get you back to your room so you can rest. It’s been a long day.”

She nodded as she rose from the chair and allowed him to take his furs back before they made their way back to her room. They walked in and the shift in temperature was the first thing he noticed when the fire’s warm glow was nowhere to be seen.

“You didn’t even start the fire?” The question was borderline rhetorical,

He sat her on the bed and wrapped the fur covers around her before making his way to the fireplace, readying to light it.

“I had other pressing concerns on my mind.” She muttered barely audibly,

Aloth looked over at her briefly. The pitiful sight in front of him was something he had never seen before. She looked as if she was staving off sleep and carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders all at the same time, while her ears wilted and sprung back to life rhythmically.

She was completely vulnerable.

Turning his attention back to the fire, he was about to strike the flint when Loralai spoke.

“Are we still…friends?” She asked cautiously,

A beat passed before he proceeded to strike the flint. Ensuring the fire was going to keep burning before he rose to his feet; he then turned to her, offering her a warm smile.

She looked at him expectantly.

“I don’t agree with what you did. It was a rash decision and more time should have been spent trying to find another way to obtain the cantec. An awakening should always be a last resort until there is truly no other way to stop an unknown power from falling into the wrong hands.” He began,

If it were even possible, her ears fell further and she looked as if her world had fallen apart.

“Having said that, you fixed any repercussions your actions could have had by reversing her awakening, so it may as well have never happened. We don’t always have to agree, and you recognize that what you did wasn’t the wisest course of action as well, so I have no reason to hold it against you. After all I have a lot to thank you for. If it were not for you I most likely wouldn’t be here now.

Every time I made a mistake or kept information from you regarding my connection to the Leaden Key, you always forgave me and only offered me encouragement. You helped me when no one else would when it came to Iselmyr. You’ve done more for me over the months we’ve known each other than I have for you, and I didn’t deserve it given my deception.” He finally took a breath,

He held his right wrist loosely in front of him and looked at her with a determination in his eyes, “All this to say, yes Loralai, we are still friends, and it means a lot to me that you would consider us such, and hold our relationship in such high regards.”

A soft smile teased the corners of her mouth.

“Thank you Aloth.” She almost beamed, “I promise I’ll never give you another reason to disagree with my decisions in concerns to my soul influence.”

“Only your soul influence?” He joked,

It was uncharacteristic of him but she smiled at his response, “We’ll see.”

There were a few moments of stillness and warm smiles of reconciliation before Aloth spoke again.

“You should change as soon as I leave, and get some rest. I’ll see you at breakfast, providing our other companions aren’t too…disorderly.”

Loralai nodded and he made to leave.

She watched him as he left and continued to stare in the direction of where he had been; her eyes tearing up as she did so. He had thanked her for her kindness and admitted to cherishing their friendship. All the while she alone knew the whole exchange was built on a lie. A fear of losing the one she cared about had caused her to intentionally hurt him so that he wouldn’t ask questions. She didn’t deserve his kindness or his friendship, but she couldn’t stop herself from clutching for it.

Guilt was a powerful weapon, and she had just now plunged the blade into her own chest. Her recent freedom was colored with mistakes and missteps, the path behind her winding and bloodied by her decisions. If there was one thing in this world she couldn’t let herself lose, it was him; whether by her own actions or his. The thought hurt too much to think about, for the last thing she wanted was to see his lifeless and twisted body on the path she left behind, though she feared that it would one day come to that.

She wiped her eyes forcefully to rid herself of the thoughts swirling in her head. If there wasn’t going to be a tomorrow then she had to seize what time was left, not just with him but everyone she knew.

Come what may when they entered Durgan’s Battery, what she had now with him, with her companions, it was good enough.

For now.

This was enough.


End file.
